Five years ago, I sat in the police station in Carpentersville, Illinois waiting as a Homeland Security agent and another officer questioned my eleven year old daughter. I knew this was about my kids' grandfather/my ex-father-in-law. When I sat there for longer than 5 minutes I got this sickening feeling in my stomach. Ohmigod that mother fucker did something to her.
Two hours later, my daughter and I traded places. The officers asked me, "Did you know your kids' grandfather had been incarcerated for possessing child pornography?" I answered yes. " Did you know that he was not supposed to be left alone with any minors as a condition of his release?" My jaw dropped and I imagine I also went pale. No was the answer to that question and how could I be so stupid and naive? That day changed my life and my family's life forever.
That night my daughter slept with me. I wanted to keep her close, not letting her spend the night at a friend's that weekend. Somehow I am now going to protect her all in one night when I hadn't for four years. We talked that night. She looked at me with her beautiful, innocent, big brown eyes and said as she swallowed back some tears, "He is not how I thought he was." My eleven year old daughter learned the lesson that people are not always what they seem.
The next years were difficult and my daughter went through a dark period. She dressed in a gothic style. She went to counselors and group therapy. She cut herself. She was hospitalized for suicidal ideations. She stopped cutting. She went through a drug phase.
I went to counselor and group therapy. I drank. I yelled. I prayed. I blamed myself. I blamed all the problems in my life on this one incident. I focused all my efforts on trying to fix my daughter. I ignored my other kid's needs. I got married. I got divorced. I bought a house. I lost a house. I rented a house. I tried antidepressants. I was angry all the time. I lashed out at my partner, my kids, whoever was within firing range. I stopped drinking. I hated my life. I was ashamed. The chaos in my life mirrored the turmoil inside me and my family.
Somewhere in there the darkness lifted. I got sober. Things were becoming clearer. I couldn't change what had already happened, but I could work towards making our future better. As I changed, my kids seemed to change, my environment seemed to change.
God seemed to speak to me through people, books, and videos (a friend sent me a TED talk on shame by Brene Brown) even on TV. One day I was watching Anderson Live and he had on an Olympic female boxer. I kept watching because I am a UFC fan and I admire the athletic prowess of fighters. The story was actually about sisters who were abused sexually by their father. The older sister was brave enough to call and tell the mother who did not live with them. The younger sister, boxer Queen Underwood, called them victorious. Boom that's the word I had been looking for. With all the counseling we had been through, I hated the word victim and I hated the word survivor. Each gives the feeling of a quality of life that is "less than." I started sketching that night and Victoryus was born.